I want you back

From baby Michael Jackson to ramen-haired Justin Timberlake to Axl Rose, ballads of breakup regret are for everyone. Conversely, there are few sweeter and more satisfying sensations than being on the receiving end – hearing those penitent words from the one that inflicted a particularly painful heartbreak.

Maybe you spent days listening to emo music while crying in the shower.

Maybe you battled the bitterness with buckets of “fuck-it” junk food.
Maybe you found yourself in a cringeworthy rebound’s bed
Maybe you went on a revenge diet and became a dedicated gym rat
Maybe it was all of the above.
Maybe it was in that order.

Some recovery paths seem to wind on forever while others are surprisingly (almost shamefully) short. Whatever way we handle heartbreak, however long it lasts, getting over someone is a credulous journey.

In the event the knave that broke your precious heart becomes aware he/she has made a Trump-sized mistake (JUST like in the imagined scenario theatrically played out in your mind during those early, dark days of wine and woe) – savor every moment of it.
Milk it.

Drag it out like Rupaul.

Hopefully, by the point your ex goes Adele, you’ll have listened to enough Destiny’s Child to be at a point of centered self-confidence and if you’re not – fake it. #fakeittilyoumakeit

This is not about revenge, this is about return on investment.  Too much time and energy went into grieving the death of that relationship to not give it at the VERY least a Jesus-like timeline of 3 days before resurrecting it. Now that the ball is in your court, no matter how you see the end game, relish the leverage this position provides.

There are really 2 ways this could go, right? Here’s how I’ve chosen to leverage each.

  1. Get back together: Now in the power seat for negotiating your happy ending, use this time to point out what changes need to be made in the relationship in order for it to mend. Don’t be afraid to make demands, shape the new relationship. Be respectful of your past self – you know, the one that was covered in cookie crumbs and tissues on the couch. That girl deserves a say.
  2. Get lost forever: Soak in satisfaction but don’t seek vengeance. Remaining above the carnal desire to destroy their heart like they probably deserve, will never be something you may one day regret. Gently letting the jerk down will hopefully teach them a lesson in the golden rule – Do to others what you want them to do to you.

Either way – do a victory dance. 

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